I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
