I just made out with a guy for $7.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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