is your mom at the bar?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
