the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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