The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
