I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
