Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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