paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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