Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
