he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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