Swine flu. Run for my life!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
