Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
