I CAN MOONWALK!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
