I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My dick has a subreddit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
