Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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