Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
