he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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