i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize