i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
