this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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