my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
