I hate your face
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize