Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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