I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
