I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
