and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
