I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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