the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
