Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
