I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
