If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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