ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
