i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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