He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
