i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize