a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
