is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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