Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
