Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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