It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
