why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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