12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
