you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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