Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
