I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
