hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize