I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
