She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
