My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
