Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
