Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If I die, sorry about rent.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
