He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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