I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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