i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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