I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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