my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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