you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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